Archive for category Books
How to Write a Novel Series by Anni Rose
Posted by Sally Jenkins in Authors, Books, Writing on March 3, 2023
Series of novels are loved by both publishers and readers. On the commercial side they build brand loyalty and returning customers. For readers they offer the chance to spend longer with favourite characters and are a pain free way to choose books without gambling on a new author or standalone novel. Anni Rose is a master of series writing. Her latest book, Recipe for Mr Ideal, is book 4 in her Recipes for Life series and is published by ChocLit. It can also be read as a standalone novel. I’m delighted that Anni has agreed to share some of her writing wisdom with us today.
Thank you, Sally, for inviting me onto your blog today to give advice on something I really enjoy: writing a series of novels.
In my opinion, there are two areas that series writers need to be aware of before they get stuck in: organisation and characters.
Organisation
I use Plottr software to help me plan a book. It has some really useful templates and I like being able to assign characters and places to as many books as I want and keep notes of important details. I remember reading a series of books by one author and being amazed by how often details changed. I am sure I don’t always get it right, but hopefully there are not too many inconsistencies.
However, I don’t find it easy to write in Plottr, so I export everything to Scrivener then Word. Word is the writing program I’m most used to, but when I’ve finished a section I post it into Scrivener as well, because I like being able to move scenes and chapters around and see, at a glance, different points of view etc. and how many words there are in each section or chapter. Scrivener keeps the technical side of my brain happy.
I like to include little details from a variety of sources. When I’m out and about I might hear or see something and must make a note of it there and then in case I forget, but this does mean my notes can be in more than one format and place, so once a week I try and sit down and sort them all out in various lists or link them to a character or place. If I don’t then months later, I come across maybe a sentence and can’t remember why it seemed important at the time.
Characters
What I love most about writing a series is getting to know the characters. Writing a series, you are developing long term relationships with them. Often you find someone you thought to be a minor character in one novel, has a much bigger story that you have to tell later on.
The hardest job for me is deciding on character names. I try to pick names which fit with the characters I’m writing about, because I have to feel comfortable with their name before I can begin to make them come alive. I use local towns as inspiration for surnames – an idea I stole from J K Rowling.
Pay attention to ages. If you’re writing a series, then it stands to reason it’s going to be over a period. Sadly, they will age. It happens to us all. How many times have you read a series and the main character stays at the same age for many books. I give my characters a date of birth rather than a specific age. That helps with music choices, events in their lives etc.
Having said all that my current work in progress has two of the minor characters who have appeared before in the series and have very similar names to two, who were minor characters in a more recent book but now feature quite heavily in this one – there was nothing else for it, I had to send them off on a cruise. They’re having a ball and will be back!
Thank you, Anni, for some great advice. Now let’s find out more about your latest release and you!
Recipe for Mr Ideal
Would you settle for Mr Less-Than-Ideal for a chance at happily-ever-after?
Registrar Maddie Winter has overseen enough weddings to know that marriage is not just for Christmas (or Valentine’s Day) – it’s for life, and regardless of whether the ceremony involves specially trained owls, dinosaurs or the police, it should be only the beginning of a story that will end in happily-ever-after.
Saying that, Maddie’s own married life is far from perfect – her husband, David, is more interested in his phone than in her, and when he suddenly walks out, Maddie’s long-held beliefs are put to the test.
Except Maddie knows David was never really her ‘Mr Ideal’; that was sweet, funny, motorbike-riding Josh Diamond – although obviously not that ideal, as he did dump her to move to the States. Even so, when Josh unexpectedly rides back into town, Maddie begins to wonder whether her happily-ever-after could still be to come …
Book 4 in the Recipes for Life series but can be read as a standalone novel. It is available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Apple Books, Kobo and Google.
About Anni Rose
Born and raised in Berkshire, Anni emigrated to Wiltshire six years ago, where she lives with her husband, sister and two dogs.
As a child, she could usually be found either reading or writing fiction, producing reams of stories over the years.
On leaving school, the need to earn a living sort of got in the way and her writing was limited to financial reports or employees’ handbooks, but a local writing course and an encouraging group of writing friends re-ignited the fiction flame many years later and Anni went on to have several short stories published in various magazines.
Anni would describe her writing these days as mainly modern romantic stories with a healthy dollop of humour thrown in. Away from writing Anni can usually be found behind a camera, walking the dogs, enjoying one of her husband’s curries or one of her sister’s bakery treats.
You can catch up with Anni on her website www.anniroseauthor.co.uk, on
Twitter – @AnniRoseAuthor, or on her Facebook page – https://www.facebook.com/anniroseauthor
Marie Laval’s Top 6 Writing Tips
Posted by Sally Jenkins in Authors, Books, Writing on February 16, 2023
I am delighted to have Marie Laval as a guest on my blog today. Marie is published by Choc Lit and writes both contemporary and historical romance. In 2021 she was shortlisted for the RNA Jackie Collins Romantic Suspense Award. She has kindly agreed to share with us her top six writing tips. Over to Marie:
Thank you so much for welcoming me on your blog today to share with you my writing tips. Every writer is different and I don’t pretend that my tips will suit everybody, but they have worked well for me so far. So here we go!
- Write every day, even if it’s only a few lines. I know it’s not always possible, and I have myself found it extremely hard over the past year and a half and my writing has suffered. I try to scribble something about the story or the characters on a notebook before going to bed if I haven’t had the chance to do any ‘proper writing’ during the day.
- Be completely in love with your hero. It may sound corny, but you are going to be spending many hours with that person, so it is essential to feel a connection to him!
- If like me, you don’t plan a lot, you should at least work out what the motivations of the main characters are before you start so that you understand why they behave the way they do.
- Research the setting well, or even better, visit the locations in order to experience the landscapes, the colours and the smells so that when you describe them the readers feel they are actually there with the characters. It’s not always possible to travel, of course, but there are brilliant videos on YouTube, such as walking tours of a town or a historic building which can help you get a good feel for the place.
- Be patient. Sometimes you get stuck but things always work out in the end. Go for a walk and talk to yourself aloud to experiment with dialogue, even if it makes you look a bit silly.
- Be kind to yourself. Sometimes we judge our writing far too harshly, or we take a critical review to heart and feel discouraged and ready to give up. I love writing. It helps me escape from daily worries and it brings me a lot of joy. And that’s what matters in the end.
Marie’s latest book, Captured by a Scottish Lord, was published last month and sounds intriguing:
Can a Desert Rose survive a Scottish winter?
The wild Scottish landscape is a far cry from Rose Saintclair’s Saharan oasis, although she’ll endure it for Lord Cameron McRae, the man she married after a whirlwind romance in Algiers. But when stormy weather leads to Rose’s Scotland-bound ship docking on Cape Wrath – the land of Cameron’s enemy, Bruce McGunn – could her new life already be in jeopardy?
Lord McGunn was a fearless soldier, but his experiences have made him as unforgiving as the land he presides over. He knows McRae won’t rest until he owns Wrath, and the man is willing to use brutal tactics. Bruce decides that he’ll play McRae at his own game, take the ship and its precious occupant, and hold them hostage.
Rose is determined to escape, but whilst captured she learns that there’s another side to her new husband – and could her supposedly cold and ruthless kidnapper also be concealing hidden depths?
CAPTURED BY A SCOTTISH LORD is available on Amazon and Kobo and other platforms.
About the author
Originally from Lyon in France, Marie now lives in Lancashire and writes historical and contemporary romance. Best-selling LITTLE PINKTAXI was her debut romantic comedy novel with Choc Lit. A PARIS FAIRY TALE was published in July 2019, followed by BLUEBELL’S CHRISTMAS MAGIC in November 2019 and bestselling romantic suspense ESCAPE TO THE LITTLE CHATEAU which was shortlisted for the 2021 RNA Jackie Collins Romantic Suspense Award. Marie’s historical romances, ANGEL OF THE LOST TREASURE, QUEEN OF THE DESERT and CAPTURED BY A SCOTTISH LORD, all feature members of the Saintclair family and her short stories are published in the bestselling Miss Moonshine anthologies. Marie is a member of the Romantic Novelists Association and the Society of Authors, and her novels are available as paperbacks, ebooks and audiobooks on Amazon and various other platforms.
Researching the Past
Posted by Sally Jenkins in Authors, Books, Resources on February 9, 2023
I am delighted to have Choc Lit novelist, Victoria Cornwall, with me today, sharing research secrets from her new WWII novel, Waiting for Our Rainbow. Over to Victoria:
I have an interest in WW2, so researching for my latest release, Waiting For Our Rainbow, was particularly fascinating. From 1942, thousands of American soldiers began arriving in England, many of whom ended up in Cornwall. Who were these men? Where did they come from? What did they do while they were here?

Victoria Cornwall
My research began on the internet. I discovered it was the 29th Infantry Division who came to Cornwall, which gave me a starting point. Through Facebook and dedicated websites, I contacted several historians who were experts on the division and the training they undertook after their arrival in England. They answered many of my questions and provided me with lots of information. I also came across the US government’s advice booklet they issued to their soldiers to help them with the cultural differences they would face on their arrival to England.
I’d grown up knowing African American soldiers were also billeted to Cornwall. What role did they play? Why were their camps separate from the combat soldiers’ camps? I was concerned about writing this part of the novel because at the time racial tensions were particularly high. I could not ignore the important role they played, but I knew that if I wrote about it I wanted to remain true to the era and dialogue without contemporary attitudes and pressures making me water it down. Fortunately, I came across a collection of video interviews, where African American veterans recalled their experience of joining the army, the segregation they faced and their frustrations at not being given combat roles at the beginning. There is a pivotal scene in Waiting For Our Rainbow, where a small group of African American soldiers notice Joe, a white soldier, entering their encampment. The scene and dialogue that follows were inspired by those veterans’ memories and experiences.
Next was the local community… how did they feel about American soldiers invading their county? I was able to talk to some people who were there at the time, but I also read archived newspaper articles and a couple of childhood memoirs which were extremely helpful. I also read the BBC’s online memory collection, WW2 Peoples War, which is a brilliant resource.
My final research was to visit some of the places. Fortunately, I live in Cornwall so it was easy for me to do. It was a humbling experience to stand in the same places where American soldiers had once stood. They were young men, many with little to no experience of combat but, along with British and Canadian soldiers, they took part in the largest amphibious military assault in history – but they could not have done it without the help, knowledge and support of many others. Also taking part in the success of D Day were sailors, soldiers and airmen from Australia, Belgium, Czechoslovakia, France, Greece, the Netherlands, New Zealand, Norway, Poland and others. In addition, the skills of meteorologists, scientists, inventors and the French Resistance were used during its planning and implementation.
Waiting For Our Rainbow concentrates on Joe, an American soldier, and Anne, a young Cornish woman. Ultimately it is a normal romance between a man and a woman, yet it is set at a pivotal time in the history of the war that would affect their romance, the decisions they make and the course of their lives for decades to come.
Waiting For Our Rainbow was released as an Ebook on 31st January, 2023. A paperback and audio version will follow shortly afterwards.
About Victoria Cornwall
Victoria grew up on a farm in Cornwall and is married with two grown up children and three grandchildren. She likes to read and write historical romance with a strong background story, but at its heart is the unmistakable emotion, even pain, of loving someone.
Her books have reached the finals of the NEW TALENT AWARD at the Festival of Romantic Fiction, the RNA’s JOAN HESSAYON AWARD, the 2021 RNA’s Goldsboro Books HISTORICAL ROMANTIC NOVEL AWARD. Her books have also been twice nominated for the RONE Best Indie or Small Published Book Award by InD’tale magazine.
She is a member of the Romantic Novelists’ Association.
Find Victoria on her website, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, YouTube and Pinterest.
About Waiting For Our Rainbow
Would you give your heart away if you knew it could only end in goodbye?
It should have been a time of romance and excitement for Anne – but it’s 1941 and the war is raging. So instead, she spends her days repairing spitfire wings and reminding herself that the real sacrifice is going on far away from her Cornish village.
When the news breaks that America has entered the war, it brings cautious hope to Anne and her family. And eventually, as the Jeeps filled with GIs roll in, it seems their little community is to play a pivotal role in the next stage of the fight.
But the Americans don’t just bring Hollywood glamour and optimism, they also bring something more tantalising – so when Anne meets handsome Joe Mallory, she has to remind herself of exactly why he’s there; that any relationship between them could only end in goodbye.
But is the inevitability of ‘goodbye’ powerful enough to stop what has already begun to blossom?
Buying Links:
Amazon UK
Amazon US
Kobo
Nook
iBook
Google Play
The Write Mango Awards
Posted by Sally Jenkins in Books, Competitions, Short Story on January 19, 2023
Short story competition judges often bemoan the fact that they receive a lot of entries with depressing or dark storylines and therefore anything a little bit quirky stands out from the rest.

17762546 © Rookie72 | Dreamstime.com
The Scottish Arts Trust has gone as far as introducing a new subsidiary award in its short story competition: The Write Mango Award. This award is ‘for short stories that are fun, amusing, bizarre and as delicious as a mango …’
The Write Mango Award can be found within the Scottish Arts Club Short Story Competition. First Prize is £3,000, Second Prize is £500, Third Prize £250 and the additional Write Mango Award is £300 (you do need to indicate when entering that you wish your story to be considered for this award as well as the main one). Entry fee is £10, there is a 2,000 word limit and the stories can be on any theme or subject. The judge is Ian Rankin and the competition closes 28th February 2023.
I’ve just finished a novel which could definitely be describes as ‘bizarre and delicious’. The Beresford by Will Carver is set in an apartment building where new tenants arrive but don’t leave in the way they would expect. At The Beresford there is routine in murder. We know who the killers are but what we don’t know is how it’s all going to end. It’s a dark story but told in such a way that there’s a lot of humour there too. If you’re looking for something a little out of the ordinary, it’s worth a read.
The Seven Sisters Series by Lucinda Riley
Posted by Sally Jenkins in Authors, Books on January 5, 2023

The Seven Sisters – Book Three
A few months ago I mentioned on my Facebook page that I’m currently working my way through The Seven Sisters series by Lucinda Riley. These are wonderful doorstep size tomes which drag you in and make you look forward to any spare minutes for absorbing more of the story. I’m around halfway through the third book, The Shadow Sister. The series was recommended to me by my sister-in-law and it’s a recommendation that was well deserved.
In a nutshell: the elusive billionaire, Pa Salt, dies leaving each of his six adopted daughters a clue about their true heritage. Each book is a timeslip novel which follows one of the girls in the search for their roots. The historical part of each story is based around a real-life happening and I’ve found these educational as well as enjoyable fiction. The contemporary part of the story contains an element of romance. Both parts are equally compelling!

The Seven Sisters – Book 1
Book one follows eldest daughter, Maia, to Brazil in the hunt for her heritage and the historical part deals with the construction of the giant Christ the Redeemer Statue in Rio. In book two, sister Ally investigates her connection to Grieg’s iconic music for Ibsen’s play ‘Peer Gynt’. Book three is set in the UK and features Edward VII and his mistress, Alice Keppel – I have yet to uncover the full significance of this to the search of the third sister, Star, for her roots. It’s intriguing!
An ongoing mystery runs throughout all the books – why did Pa Salt never adopt and bring home his planned seventh daughter? Apparently, all is revealed in the last book of the series, aptly named, The Missing Sister.
Lucinda’s books are popular across the globe and, uniquely for a fiction author from the British Isles, over 90% of her sales have been in foreign languages. According to the Lucinda Riley website, there are plans to create a seven-season TV series based on The Seven Sisters.
Lucinda was diagnosed with cancer in 2017 and died in 2021, aged only 56. ‘The Missing Sister’ was published only three weeks before she died.
If you get the chance to read these books – DO!
Book Reviewing Opportunities
Posted by Sally Jenkins in Books, Lifestyle on October 5, 2022
If you like reading new books by indie authors this could be the opportunity for you:
Reedsy Discovery is recruiting reviewers. The main Reedsy website is full of resources and freelance services aimed at helping writers at all stages of their journey to publication. Reedsy Discovery is an offshoot of this and is designed to spotlight the gems of the indie publishing world. The reviewers on Reedsy Discovery help to identify these gems. Reviewers are unpaid but they do have the opportunity to monetise their reading by accepting tips from people who find their reviews useful.
Interested? Visit the Reedsy website to find out more and to apply.
If you fancy finding out what it’s like to be a competition judge, The Highland Book Prize, uses keen

The Scottish Highlands
readers from the general public as initial readers. Readers provide a report and scores for each of the books they read and these are then used to compile the longlist for the Prize. Reading for the longlist takes place between July and September each year and has just finished for 2022. However, you can apply now to be on the panel next year. I have now been involved in this for three years and previously blogged about the experience.
Finally, if you enjoy blogging, tweeting and generally shouting about the books you’ve read, NetGalley might be the site for you. Publishers and authors distribute digital review copies and audiobooks to the NetGalley community, and in exchange, members provide reviews, star ratings, social media posts etc. Some publishers on NetGalley will vet reviewers before releasing ARCs (Advance Review Copies) but others are happy for their books to be read more widely. Register online to be a NetGalley reviewer.
Note: In all three cases above, the books are supplied in digital format, i.e. not paper books.
How to Make Money as a Writer – plus A Giveaway!
Posted by Sally Jenkins in Authors, Books, Competitions, Writing on July 23, 2022
In my previous post I mentioned doing a Zoom Novel Writing course in the hope of reigniting my enthusiasm for writing. The course did make me write a chapter of a brand new story (hurray!) and I got to know Jacci Turner, the lovely course tutor from Northern Nevada. She has some wise advice to share with us plus an exciting giveaway, over to Jacci:
I’ve had the pleasure of getting to know Sally through an online writing class and she is delightful, plus a very strong writer. We decided to collaborate on a fun project. My latest book, Tree Singer, which is a Young Adult Fantasy, is now out on Audible and I’ve been given fifty free coupons to give to people to listen and hopefully write reviews.
The thing is half of these people need to live in the UK. So, we decided to offer 20 free copies of the audio to the first 20 people to write a comment on this post on Sally’s blog. Sally also invited me to share a bit about writing with you, so here goes:
How to Make Money as a Writer
- Don’t quit your day job. I say this in the kindest possible way. To put financial pressure on your creativity is a creativity killer. I’ve worked an extra job just to afford my writing habit. It takes time, energy, and a great deal of hard work to become a successful writer but adding the pressure of paying the bills could stop you cold. So, allow yourself the luxury of working until you’re bringing in a livable wage from your writing. Full disclosure, this has not happened for me yet.
- Network with other writers. Belonging to a writing group is a huge support for writers emotionally and a way to better your craft. But a bonus is the marketing. As you build relationships you can share activities like tabling (i.e. sharing a table to sell books at fairs and other events), book launches, conferences, and speaking engagements with your friends. You support them and they will support you. It’s synergy to move your writing to the next level.
- Diversify your craft. Look into places you can teach what you know. Local community colleges are a great place to start. Libraries often host writers and sometimes allow them to sell books. Local bookstores might also allow you in for a book signing, or to read to children, or teach a writing class. All of this builds your author brand and gets your name out.
- Use social media to your advantage. You don’t have to use all of it, just find one that works for you and stick with it. Each one is different, Facebook is for older people, LinkedIn for business, Twitter uses hashtags to find likeminded topics, Instagram is for pictures and short videos, TikTok is all video and you can use #booktok and #authortok to connect. These are extended networks to help you find others who might invite you to write on their blogs or do an author interview with you. I’ve been invited to do several of these through social media.
- Don’t forget to look for grants or enter contests. Where I live, we have the Nevada Arts Council and the Sierra Nevada Arts foundation. I’ve applied for grants with both of them and have received several. Contests are fun and give you bragging rights you can use in your marketing.
In other words, don’t put all your eggs in one basket, keep writing, exploring, connecting, and doing what you love. Hopefully the income will follow.
Many thanks, Jacci! I particularly agree with the networking advice – it helps so much to know that you are not alone!
If you would like a coupon for an Audible audiobook of Tree Singer and are based in the UK, please leave a comment below. The first 20 people to comment will receive the coupons.
This opportunity closes at midnight BST on Saturday 30th July 2022. Comments left after this date will not be eligible for a coupon. Leaving a comment on this post means that you are happy for your email address to be passed to Jacci for the purpose of sending out the Audible coupon. It will not be used for anything else.
The Poetry Pharmacy, Bishop’s Castle
Posted by Sally Jenkins in Books, Competitions, Lifestyle, Poetry, Travel on May 19, 2022
On holiday in Bishop’s Castle, Shropshire, I discovered the Poetry Pharmacy run by Deborah Alma. It’s part cafe, part poetry bookshop, part events space and part therapy; the latter via an appointment with the Poetry Pharmacist.
We’d been walking as part of the Bishop’s Castle Walking Festival and needed coffee and cake when we found the Pharmacy. It doesn’t do the usual lattes, cappuccinos etc. Instead the waitress recommended one of the different coffee blends and then delivered a glass flask of black coffee plus a jug of warm, frothy milk on the side. Similarly, she recommended a tea blend for my husband. We sat for a long time in the quiet, peaceful space, leafing through poetry books and magazines which centred around the calmer side of life. Afterwards, I treated myself to a copy of The Emergency Poet edited by Deborah – and, unusually, the book was cheaper in the Pharmacy than on Amazon. It’s a volume full of poems designed to destress and improve the reader’s state of mind. I will be sharing some of the poems with my Shared Reading Group soon.
Still on the subject of poetry, I’ve come across three competitions open for entries:
The Winchester Poetry Prize for poems on any subject and in any form or style. First prize is £1,000. Entry fee is £5. Closing date is 31 July 2022. The judge is Jo Bell, whom I recently had the pleasure of interviewing about her role in compiling the book On this Day She: Putting Women Back into History One Day at a Time for an article in The People’s Friend magazine.
The Writers Bureau Platinum Jubilee Poetry Competition. This is FREE to enter but you need to be quick: closing date is 31st May 2022. The prize is publication on The Writers Bureau’s website and a course or place on a Zoom workshop of the winner’s choice.
Ironbridge Poetry Competition 2022. This competition welcomes poems on any and every subject. First prize is £300 and the closing date is 31 July 2022. The judge is Simon Fletcher, who is widely-published as a poet and lives in Shropshire. He’s also the manager of Offa’s Press.
An Update on Me
Posted by Sally Jenkins in Books, Lifestyle, Non-fiction, Self-publishing on August 9, 2021
What’s been going on in my writing life recently?
At the end of June I completed the second round of agent edits on my current WIP and submitted the manuscript again. Over the last few weeks I’ve been biting my nails while I wait to hear if more work is needed or whether the novel has reached the standard for submission to publishers. You may remember that a previous manuscript went out to publishers a couple of years ago but failed to sell.
While I wait for the verdict I’ve found it difficult to get back into fiction (a new novel or short stories), so I’ve been doing bits and pieces of non-fiction writing.
I’ve taken the opportunity to update Kindle Direct Publishing for Absolute Beginners. The book was first published back in 2014 and has consistently been one of my best-sellers. Every year or so, I’ve re-read it and made changes/additions/deletions to reflect the ever changing landscape of self-publishing on Amazon in both Kindle and paperback format. It contains lots of useful information if you’re thinking of self-publishing for the first time.
I’ve also written a few articles for The People’s Friend. The hardest part of this (like any writing, I think) is generating ideas that are appropriate to the readership and haven’t already been covered in the magazine before. The magazine holds weekly editorial meetings and so I usually get a ‘yes’ or, more likely, a ‘no’ on ideas quickly. The downside is it’s no longer possible to earn any ALCS money on articles or short stories published in the magazine.
In June I had my first post-lockdown holiday. My husband and I walked the first five stages of the Cost to Coast. We started at St Bees and finished at Kirkby Stephen five days later. Physically it was much more difficult than we’d envisaged but great to finally get away. I took notes along the way and am currently turning those notes into a short e-book. It will be partly a personal experience narrative and partly resources for those planning to do the walk themselves. If you enjoy walking (or are just nosy about what other people get up to on their holidays) watch this space!
Finally I’ve recently got into the crime novels of Jane Harper. Jane was born in the UK but now lives in Australia. Her novels are set in the Australian outback which gives them quite a different feel to more urban murder stories. I started with The Lost Man and am now half-way through The Dry. In 2014 a short story submitted by Jane was included in the Big Issue’s annual Fiction Edition. This inspired her to pursue creative writing more seriously. Big things from little acorns grow!
Sexting – Considerations for (Mainly) Girls in a Highly Sexualised World
Posted by Sally Jenkins in Books, Lifestyle, Non-fiction, Promotion on June 29, 2021
Sexting is the sending of a sexual message, photo or video to someone else. It’s not something I usually talk about on this blog. However, it was suggested to me when I discussed the possibility of a guest post with Arnie Witkin to launch his new book It’s Not A Big Thing in Life.
Arnie’s book began as a series of writings for his grandchildren and he gave an early draft to a friend’s granddaughter who was starting university. It had such a positive effect on her that she believed it should be for grandchildren the world over and their parents and grandparents. Hence the eventual publication of It’s Not A Big Thing in Life. The book is full of life advice for those starting out in the world and for those of us already in it! Arnie’s book would make a great present to slip in a student’s backpack to be read and absorbed as needed.
And now for Arnie’s advice on how to handle sexting:
If it hasn’t already happened you will be subjected to requests to send nude pictures or videos of yourself
How will you respond to the challenge of sexting?
If someone you don’t know or have recently met asks you to sext him, consider the simplest possible response. ‘No.’ No discussion.
However, if you are in a relationship, albeit for a short time, and you are tempted, consider that you are totally responsible for yourself. Know that, whatever the state of your current relationship or feelings, these are most likely to change. If a man is scorned, he may well publish those pictures on the internet. So before you completely expose yourself take responsibility for the consequences. I would suggest that you only do it if you are in a loving and trusting relationship, but even then you may want to hide your face. There is no place for naivety.
What if you don’t want to do it? You may feel that if you don’t oblige then you will be excluded. This is more complicated because that has to do with self-esteem and the desire for acceptance.
This is a great opportunity to grow up, assert yourself and build self-esteem. Trust your feelings. If you don’t want to do it then you shouldn’t. If you are ‘dumped’ I can assure you that the person wasn’t worth having, no matter how attractive he may seem. In fact usually the opposite of exclusion happens. Strong people who resist the pressure are admired for it.
Consider taking a firm but non-judgmental approach. ‘I am not happy to send naked pictures of myself.’ If he asks again or ‘why’, simply repeat it. It probably doesn’t pay to take a moralistic or indignant approach. ‘I like you and want to continue the relationship, but please don’t ask me that.’
If he says, ‘If you loved me you would do it’ you most definitely should consider leaving the relationship. ‘If you loved me you would….’ is one of the most selfish and controlling statements there is. It is said purely for the gratification of the person and doesn’t care about your feelings. A good riposte is ‘If you loved me you wouldn’t ask me to do what I don’t want to do.’ If you do succumb and remain in the relationship he will control you until you stand up to him. You may as well do the standing up at the earliest possible opportunity.
Another ploy could be to tell you that everybody is doing it and that you are immature. This is similar to ‘If you loved me…’ You could say, ‘If I wanted my life judged I’d go to a more competent authority.’ Peer group pressure is the greatest pressure in the world. Resisting it is hugely character building. You will be proud of yourself.
If you find the request offensive it is well to remember that offense can be given, but it doesn’t have to be taken. You can decide what you allow to offend you or not. A turd on the side of the road is offensive, but you don’t have to step in it.
Whatever you feel, this is the real world. You can’t stop the sexual pressure, but with focus you can decide on your attitude and response.
You have the power. Don’t surrender it.
It’s Not A Big Thing in Life by Arnie Witkin is available in both paperback and e-book format and has some great reviews. It’s worth a look if you know any young adults or would like a bit of advice yourself on living a better life.
And there’s more information about Arnie on his website.